Adventures of a Psychonaut in Her Saturn Return

I have a Smasheltooth. Smashelteeth, rather, as all of em have been smashed together by braces. Half my front tooth is fake from when I smashed it falling off my bicycle when I was young. Jeremy Irons and Method Man are my celebrity crushes, and the only thing they have in common are their smashed teeth. My dog even has crooked teeth. Sometimes I wish mine were still crooked, but without those braces there'd be no syndrome in my ugly duckling syndrome. If only I had known back then that one day crooked would be the new straight.

So here, today, a Red Magnetic Earth day, of which I am, I initiate the process of my strive to change from this little pathetic lost helpless girl that I sometimes cling to, to the grown mature woman that I visualize within me, who knows that its time to come out. So obviously I know this to be the maiden to mother transition we all go through around my age (29), towards the end of the first Saturn Return cycle. The second transition similar occurs at age 60, when the mother turns to the crone, or wise woman. I guess the main lesson is to stop doing things I know don't work for me over and over again expecting a different result. This includes sticking my finger in all the pies and getting a taste of what I like and don't like. The days of finger licking are over.

The girl in me declares the following. I am Ashley. I work at a coffee shop and suffer financially. However I somehow make ends meet and know I can manifest the money I need, though I never have the money I want. I am a big dork who can't afford cool clothes. People I admire are curious about me, but I haven't found the focus to work on my art or music enough partly because I'm too busy working for others to pay the rent and bills. I live in a fabulous home with a lot of potential, though I am often bored here in Santa Cruz and miss the excitement of Los Angeles. I beat myself up a lot because I have been acting since the third grade and can't believe I'm not doing it now, though I'm happy DJing because I get my rocks off performing. I have beautiful family and friends that love me and are loved; a boyfriend I am gaga over, who I would marry and start a family with, a dog Gretel who is my soulmate, and two kittens Fresh Kicks and Lady Sneakers who I are new additions in my life to love and coddle. I am honored enough to have a family aside from this family, a spiritual family of artists and elders who I participate in ceremony with. They are an added source of support in my life that I know I can turn to in case of any kind of emergency, physical or spiritual. I am often depressed, have a hard time living in the present, and have difficulty finding gratitude for the things that I do have. I am selfish and whiny and lazy and indulgent. I am also thoughtful, creative, unique, hard working, intelligent, and level headed, with helluv good taste in everything.

The mother in me declares the following: I am The Hyphy Empress Smasheltooth. I am royalty. I am fresh. I am wealthy and worshipped and pampered. I am comfortable. I am generous and giving with what I have and receive. I am wise and healing. I am a mother and an Oracle. I am optimistic, always entertained, and I live in the moment. I am healthy, fit, and fucking awesome to look at. I am loved and loving. I am ever growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I am an insanely talented and well-crafted musician, actress, and artist. I am unique and maintain an artistic expression that is influenced by the past but has never been seen before. I am stable and present a place and brain for people to seek out when they need help. I follow through with my projects. I am discerning. I am witty and charming (I had a dream once that these were the two things to bring success as a public figure). I am a public figure dammit! You can look me up on Wikipedia. My definition is long, entertaining, multi-faceted, and astonishing. I have houses on every continent. I am as good at partying as I ever was, but maintain my dignity and know when to draw the line. I tend the Earth and love her. I am open at all times to receive anybody as my ego will always be lower than my heart, and I shall maintain healthy boundaries, like the Mother Mary, my spirit guide. It is during this time that I hold her close in my heart and allow her to lead the little girl Persephone out of Hell and into the light.

So there you have it; I know what I've been, who I am, and where I want to go... adventuring to another woman here I go... over n out, see you on the flipside!