Smash Got Red Pilled - How the Bernie Lovin Democrat went MAGA

 

Standing in line to see Bernie speak with friends and coworkers in Santa Cruz the summer of 2016 (and actually getting in to see him) was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. We laughed, we cried, we belonged, we felt hope for the world that there was this amazing man speaking our hearts and souls so passionately on the stage. Gretel, my dog, was in a Bernie music video, directed my some talented friends in Oakland, and obviously our little family fit right in with the talented visionaries and open hearted revolutionaries. I made sure to cement my feelings for him playing “FDT - Fuck Donald Trump” by YG and Nipsey at Emissions Festival that same month.

So what happened to me to do a complete 180? Was it my move to Oregon? Was it becoming a new mother? Was it propaganda that I was dumb enough to fall for? Was I hit in the head with a 2 x 4 (someone actually asked me that). What would propel me from safety, belonging, and community, to a rebellious choice that would bring those who loved me yesterday to despise me over night. And how can you prevent it from happening to your loved ones, or to YOU?

You can’t.

But I can tell you my story in hopes that even the person on the other side of the spectrum, can understand and maybe even empathize with my journey, even if they don’t agree with my views. I have been leaking my stance in an exploratory fashion since this summer, and some of it was met with grace, some of it was met with curiosity, but mostly I was met with unadulterated disgust. Mathematically I lost 1500 followers and 3 close “friends,” so there’s some statistics for ya.

One of the most interesting responses was that a friend did not have time to meet with me for lunch because it would take more than an hour lunch break to “change my mind.” There will be no changing my mind, because, getting red pilled is a psychedelic experience and once it happens, you can’t go back. Once you see the world afterwards, you can’t unsee it.

The good news is, I’ve heard there are others heading in my direction and at least I won’t be this alone for much longer. And if I am, so be it, my truth is not to be compromised.

But enough of trying to place a finger on the intangible outcome and the insane lonely optimism I feel afterwards (I save that for my therapist), I’ll give everyone a quick summary of how I got here so I don’t have to keep explaining myself.

It all started with stand up comedy. I work a 9-5 job in the tech industry, and one day, my boss decided to throw me into sales (against my will, but I always say yes to new adventures). And I was petrified to cold call strangers, believe it or not, so I decided to take a stand up comedy class in order to pacify my strange terror.

So I started listening to Kill Tony - a lot. I began to pick up on the rogues, ya know, the Shane McGillis’s, the Roseanne Barr’s (she became a huge part of my red pilling), the (yes here I’m saying it- JOE ROGAN’S). Ya know, the BOYS. The rough and tumble, raunchy AF comedians, which of course Tony Henchcliffe was king. And then I started spiraling into their podcasts, mainly Joe Rogan and Roseanne Barr (who, mind you is Jewish, a fact I never knew). And then I started rabbit holing into their guests and etc etc.

Soon I came to realize that the former democrats, Roseanne, RFK, Tulsi, Elon, and even Trump, were the ones on the other line in the sand. I accidentally listened to a Joe Rogan podcast one day (#2173 to be exact) out of sheer boredom with some comedian dude I had never heard of before, and lo and behold, I would become a huge fan of this previously unheard of character. This ex journalist and now stand up comedian is named Jimmy Dore. You will look him up on Wiki and they will claim him as a conspiracy theorist, to devalue his opinion. The trick is that legacy media encourages anyone who believes a different narrative a conspiracy theorist, or a Nazi sympathizer, to avoid an intelligent discussion because in doing so you are immediately throwing that person under the bus and devaluing their intelligence by gaslighting them.

Most of my “friends” and my “community” are doing this exact same thing to me.

Dore calls it a “hate boner.”

But to me, JIMMY DORE IS TRUTH.

So, he won’t state what party he is but I believe he’s in the green party? Anyway, if ya haven’t listened to him, before you call me an idiot, a Nazi sympathizer, or a Trumper (OK I kind of am a Trumper now), you should try. He’s on the liberal side of news and he’s who I get my news from. Anyone else, including most Instagram news sources, are factually the source of everyone’s anger, misinformation, and strife.

The whole point, and I won’t get into politics minutely, is that once you begin listening to a different sourcepoint of news, you look at things differently, and realize how much propaganda is floating in the mainstream, mostly on NPR, TV, and Meta platforms. I now get my news from Unbiased podcast, The Jimmy Dore Show, and the Roseanne Barr podcast. These sources have kept me abreast of global news in a way I feel is more fair and more positive to the outcome of humanity.

My intro to liking Trump was simply that the FBI spied on his phone (this is a proven fact) and then I realized that there was something very wrong with that and it made me second guess whether or not Trump Derangement Syndrome was a thing. Is hating the FBI so bad? Why don’t my friends agree with this sentiment? After much research, I have come to the conclusion TDS is a very real and serious thing that one should at least question as reality as being what they’re told to do which is oppose it as a conspiracy theory.

Because once I realized how against him the mainstream media is (mainly Soros and Gates owned outlets including NPR which I used to listen to obsessively), well this is where my red-pilling journey began.

It bothers me that so many of my friends are using identity politics as a virtue signaling shield, and poo pooing more than one sentence of anyone who wants to challenge their narrative, shutting them down immediately by calling them insane Nazi sympathizers, when truthfully, at this point and with all my research, I would prefer to challenge them in a political debate. The problem is 95% of them won’t even allow an open conversation about it, get frustrated and act like a tiny child throwing a tantrum whenever you have a valid point against them.

Also is my community really that brainwashed to believe I like Nazis? Did my community ever know me and the work I have done musically? If they were to think critically and not follow the formula they see on the internet, it doesn’t add up. Its a lazy way of arguing.

In summary, I am not looney toons, I am optimistic about the world and where we are heading, and I have proof to back it up - if anyone gave me a chance to, which they usually won’t. I do have a lot of like minded artists sliding into my DMs thanking me for speaking up, who are too afraid to comment in solidarity on my posts for fear of the very exact thing I am going through, which is a total ectomy of myself from my community. Nice work, this has been accomplished.

Luckily at this point I have a family who loves me, children who dote on me, close friends who support me, a job that values me, and they’re all I need to keep me going. Its been the perfect storm of rebellion.

I wrote a rap called Canceltooth, and it explains my brain -

“I’m no longer in service

Took the red pill, got curious

X got cheney nervous

Legacy made you furious.

While you’ve been in a k bump

I’ve been studying trump

Yah i watched the apprentice

And trump be dennis the menace.

My views are my own so don’t make them yours

Don’t close your doors or your hatred festers our sores

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind

So I’ll chill and back off but you can kiss my behind

//Talk shit about jesus

I’ll run you over in my prius

See im into tolerance

While you be into followence

Bob weir married a minor

And you want to give trump a shiner

Do you see the contradictions

Of life’s complex predictions?

See people be deep

Like a secret you keep

How bo peep loves her sheep

Like grim reaper harvests a weep!

While you’re at the bar

I took my mind out real far

And Realized my tears in a jar Couldn’t gas up my car

//Sing a little song about how your shlong is long

And how many followers you got all day long

Offended you with honesty

How you can’t let me be

You’re bitchin up the wrong tree

Nobody puts me in the corner

I used to long jump – jackie joyner

Now i’m a mom with a pooch

And a fertile caboose

Your shit attitude i’ll boof

Suck it up my ass – poof!

I’m cancelled i’m silenced – there won’t be no proof

You can’t handle the tooth”

And here's my first time doing stand up, which started this whole thing.

The Great Death

The Greatest Death in a Woman's Life
Is to Give Birth
The path steers course
Navigating a new inner sea.
As I mourn for my old self deeply
The child in me becomes a child in me
I reach out for the girl inside
But she is gone, frivolously dissapeared
Once again and for the first time forever.
As I rise to join the ranks
Of the billions before me
My fear is fierce
Because I no longer know me
A mother born because of her baby
In the circle of life there's no choice but to
Swim in this sea that bathes me.

Yosemite Cocaine Mother

Last night I had dreams of a fantastical Island paradise in the vein of Yosemite; waterfalls, deep valleys, jagged green mountains. My mother comes into my room and finds cocaine in a bag someone left there; of course in my dream like now I'm sober and I say someone left that there; but I know she knows its in my life and its too late to stop the worry from happening.

Today is Day 8 of no party drugs, liquor, filtered cigarettes... I've been smoking weed and eating edibles til the cows come home, mainly to sleep, and for stress and anger, which are all exploding out of my body, brain, and spirit.

Truth is sometimes I wonder if this music career is like a cancer eating away at my life. I've made hundreds, if not thousands of "friends" from it, but how close are they and really how much do they give a shit about me. I am one of those old world artists saying I'm alone in a crowd... the ego, just in our little scene (which most of us seem to think it the end of the line) is preposterous, and yet there's nothing else as glamorous, as we steer the head of the bass beast on the west coast and influence the rest of the world.

I had started a nice little daily hobby of getting high by myself at home at least once a week, pretending to do projects but really pacing aimlessly around the house, overwhelmed at the huge list of talents I have, and not being decisive enough for just one. I have realized that I have completely lost my inspiration, my muse, the rabbit has ducked into its hole and I can't unearth it.

Maybe its Babylon's grips on my nostrils that's making me so unproductive.

Every day has been a struggle to remain positive; even though I'm surrounded by love, have a roof over my head, and maybe 5 jobs (I'm rounding up) to support myself financially.

But still... depression, and this feeling of being alone and yet surrounded by loved ones. On further borrowing into this thought, I'm feeling a thirst for being by myself. Why is there guilt that surrounds that. Maybe "feeling alone in a sea of people" is a preference. And what becomes of me then?

The life of an artist... self inflicted torture and being my own worst critic. Its glamorous, right? Right?

Today's plans:
1. Work on the intro to my first self-produced track, and look for new music.
2. Have a meeting regarding Betty's Butt-ER (my new cannabis product).
3. Get Kratom (my natural anti-depressant).
4. Consult and Dispense Cannabis at Kind People's Collective.

Hello Old Friend

Hello Old Blog
Last night I had more dreams of awful things, satanic clowns drop punting tiny demons high above the massive and ominous Las Vegas style churches each with their own gaudy fountains. The tiny demons would shoot into the air and the clowns would catch them as a spectacle for the crowd.
I decided that instead of continuing to write my dreams in my journal where nobody can read them, I would share with the world my strangeness, and relate them to my career, and my life, if anyone gives a shit.
Also in my dream was a Harijuku mother performing in a bar with her toddler as a part of the act, me losing things and climbing up and down endless ladders, missing flights home, and accidently passing out with an open robe with my boobs hanging out at a party. Hmmmm. Another logistical dream gone awry as I try to figure out my life.
Lately I've been waking up depressed, looking around my beautiful house and life and all my beautiful things, and wanting to shut my eyes and go back to sleep. I think I'm having performance issues; today I have to do something amazing or I'm a failure, so I'd rather just close my eyes. But as I'm turning into an old lady, and the hair on my chin grows longer, a hair that would get me burned at the stake during the witch trials, I can't sleep in past 10am anymore, even if I'm on some kind of party binge, which is swelling up my face and indenting new wrinkles in unchartered territory on my face.
Anyways I had a fabulous conversation with a random person about loving the darkness, and that all these dreams and feelings relate to my music, as I love rap and dancehall and anything that comes tumbling out the root chakra of life (the VAGINA). This music is about SURVIVAL, sex, money, drugs, which all relate to each other, and this is the music that has always attracted me. All this hippie dippie conscious crap is sheltering people from the rest of the world and though I enjoy it every once in awhile, for them to not accept US is backwards and unloving. SO fuck them.
Right now I'm working on finishing my first music video with Rappin 4 Tay, on a track I composed with Tony VNDMG over lots of beer and whip its, and stripping away elements that were not needed. My piano lessons of yesteryear always help to create melodies when I work on tracks. I have been thinking lately about picking up the piano again.
What else, I just finished Ableton production courses which have left me with a basic understanding, but an insane frustration when I sit down to work on anything, because I can't figure out how to make hardly any of the sounds I want. But I must keep trucking. I have resigned myself to watching a new Youtube video every day on a subject that I struggle with the day before. Last night I tried to put some WOOPS over a KID INK tune that everyone is too stupid to know rules, and couldn't even figure that out,  so here I go.
Tonight I will relentlessly hunt for songs that are cool.
In the middle I will try to go to yoga so that one day maybe I'll have the body I want, free of beer guts and limber. It helps that I've been diagnosed with a condition upon which I can't drink, but will anyways with some friends at dinner. Fuck my life I want to go back to sleep or have a baby or make an album or jump off a cliff.

Friday, June 7: 2013: Participation

Dreams: With Gretel and my mom and Larry outside watching a show, the ladies have these clothes on that are so cute they make me jealous. I feel like I have heat stroke. I am irritable. My mom and Larry start quarelling and I basically faint and wake up in my real bed at home. Weird. I am lost in a mall again, the elevator leads me to certain death twice, some lady falls down the escalator, there are cute clothes I can't afford everywhere and shitty food I can't eat. I am wandering around party central, but I don't want to be there.

Thoughts: Yesterday I pulled The Master card. The Master for me is getting my own job off the ground. Working for myself. Having fun. Putting my entire heart into something that is mine and mine alone! How do make this happen is alchemy; magic. I want to take the steps. On that note I have to get to work for Thrive

Meditation: Participation. Enjoy the world around you. I struggle at this with this job YUCK BARF

Saturday, June 1, 2013: Turning In

Dreams:
At a huge music festival and its so fucking hot I'm going to die, and I'm wearing a costume that is stifling, and I am very tall and everyone thinks I am a vampire. Gretel is there and she has water but has fallen asleep in the sun, and I'm worried she'll die of exhaustion. The concert holds someone who is doing Nirvana covers, and they totally suck. There is a huge pool to swim in, but I'm on some business call, avoiding everyone, including my boyfriend who is some short dude and not Andrew. I am also hanging out with Lara in some fantastical beach land that also holds rolling hills, and her and I are with a large group of beautiful black people, who are all kind of intimidating and the women hate us. However we are frolicking without a care, being totally awesome, and bopping around gloriously. The women think we are pretty cool after I do something totally embarrassing. They are in my scorching hot festival dream wiping off sweat. The rolling hills dream, Lara picks up some kind of animal balloon that she thinks she can blow up, til she realizes someone has already blown on it. We are looking for a restaurant to grab a beer. I think me looking up Fat Trel before I went to bed is why I'm dreaming of beautiful black people.

Thoughts:
No nonsense today. Beach, gym, Ableton, party. Excited for my mini highschool reunion. Matty Matt and Brent coming to Santa Cruz!

Meditation:
Watch the show without being caught up in the drama. The mind amuses, as it jumps up and down and twists this way and that, trying to get your attention and seduce you into the game.

Friday, May 31, 2013: Suppression

Dreams:
Party dreams, crowds, drugs, alcohol, ego, exhaustion.

Thoughts:
Feeling chipper today. June is almost here and I'm feeling like I need to keep my commitments to staying healthy. I have to sacrifice to win at that.

Meditation:
Suppression- Insanity is nothing but all these suppressions coming to a point where you cannot control them nYMORE. weird i just accidentally typed that.