My new 3 Bs are boyfriend gets home, packs me a bongload, then I get in bathtub and meditate. I guess I can get these latter two things accomplished by myself, but its nice to let my bf unwind when he gets home and it gives me just that much more time to be alone (I love my alone time). Not to mention there's something about his bongloads that are simply better than mine.
So anyways last night I'm in the bathtub and I am feeling this new feeling that only just came at me recently, a feeling of being worthy of my accomplishments and that I deserve success. Accomplishments and success are slowly popping out, like rare brightly colored wildflowers in a dying meadow, and seeing them is almost like trying to process a new color, or seeing an alien for the first time. My brain wants to deny that it is there because it wants to protect me from changing my tried and true patterning, also known as "playing it safe."
For some reason up til last night, I have stopped my bathtub ritual and doing anything else that is good for myself, so that I can keep trucking through this very difficult trail over the mountain of squandering to success. Its almost like fight or flight, I haven't even soaked in my recent successes because I can't process the feeling of accomplishment so I can keep going, like Warrior. No stopping.
Well last night in the bathtub, which I had entered because my body and my mind was so bruised and broken that the thought of not soaking my bones was too massochistic for even me to not comply with, I realized that I had reached a huge turning point in my life and my career, which was where this foreign feeling of accomplishment came from. This was opening up for a big headliner on the west coast part of his tour, and subsequently getting a manager from it who is willing to work with me to improve my position on the bill and get me higher paying gigs. Which means more music will be made which will bring in more money. Which means maybe I can finally afford to live comfortably, and quit this job at the coffee shop.
The tour was a couple months ago, but I only just realized last night after giving myself some time to think and meditate what a huge pivotal point it was for me in my humbly quaint life of not having any recognition and worse yet not having any money ever, after being unable to apply myself to any of my 20-odd professional careers, including editing porn, managing vintage stores, fabricating astronaut suits for movies, collage artist extraordinaire, barista, data research analyst, only to name a few. None of which satisfied me... who would have thunk DJ-ing and the frontier of electronic music would be the outlet to empower me, but here I am in the bathtub thinking holy shit, I've made it!
Next stop... cover of Rolling Stone. I think my new bathtub ritual is gonna take me straight there.
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It's been nice for me our paths have crossed, however briefly. Your blog shows on the same page as mine on my computer, for some reason, and I rather think my blog is improved by yours, because yours is so direct and fearless. It makes the shocking aspects of my blog seem more reasonable and therefore kind of original and good. I always look forward to seeing a new post of yours. Bye for now.-- Tim.
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