Wednesday, May 29, 2013: Projections

Dreams:
I go to Egypt. Lotus Drops and this breakdancer guy who lives in Willits are there flirting. Lotus is absolutely gorgeous and beaming, swimming up to her little guy and coming out of the water like a movie star. I am playing on Serato with some Asian persuasion DJ, we are going back and forth like a battle, his songs are too long. I play Pisces by Andre Nickatina and some other slow dark rap jam. My mom and Larry are there. The land is expansive and looks like Mars. We get trinkets and ride a train. I am to meet them to leave to return home, so I bike away. My cell phone doesn't work and won't call Larry because the buttons are too small. I wonder if I'm ever going to leave. I think about biking away and I look below at the huge mountain I would have to descend. There is a carnival at the bottom. I decide to try calling Larry again. Some woman reminds me that the side of the path I'm on is for people going the other way. I get frustrated and start to cry. I turn my bike around and start up the mountain. One of her kids follows me and touches my arm from behind to tell me everything is going to be ok. I turn around but he runs away. We play a game of peekaboo behind a car. I am thankful for him. Then I come to these rocks on the side of the road you have to climb up to get through this gate. I am starting to go up, but the two people in front of me tumble and take a pretty bad fall. Everyone is going up in special cars. I make it up somehow and then again some fat guy is telling me to move and get out of the way. Someone is getting a souvenier. I think about telling him shut the fuck up you fat, fat man! But I'm not sure I did in my dream or no. Somewhere in this there is a scene where me and Jonah and Andrew are hanging with a few people, and this one girl that everyone thinks is hot is singing a musical and its annoying the shit out of me. She has a good voice. She is counseling Jonah on some major shit, and I joke with Jonah he's about as innocent as my left nostril, which everyone finds pretty funny. I am sticking my wet pointy toed shoes on his nipples just to lighten things up a bit.
There is another building that I can't escape from. These matrix dreams seem to be a running theme in my subconscious these days.
A snipet of morning sex. I miss morning sex.

Thoughts:
Yesterday was crazy as Zack from ShireFit came over and basically presented me with a job that could get me out of the grind and working doing something I love and believe in. I don't know why I've spent a decade of paying dues, working for sociopaths and compromising my true identity, and why its taken me 10 years to believe I can actually make it on my own self and not someone else's. I've always known that I was unique and smart, smart in a way that I can read life like a chess game, and all the moves it takes to checkmate, but I've always had problems with believing I am deserving of greatness. Why is that? What has it come from? Its easy to point fingers at parents, especially my mother who is always so paranoid and overly cautious, but really this comes down to me coming into my power as a woman and leaving the scared little girl behind. I think the rebel card yesterday was perfect for the day; I don't have to be a martyr to people who tell me what to do to make a living. To tell me that I can or can't make it, or that I shouldn't even try. I am a victim to my self and all the partying I've done in my 20s. I could have stayed in LA and been a successful actress, however, I would never have gotten Smasheled and met Andrew and I would probably be some coke addict douche baggess fucking porn directors or something. The light at the end of the tunnel took forever for a reason...

Meditation:
Instead of taking responsibility for our expectations desires and judgments, we try to attribute them to others. There are as many worlds as there are minds.